Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
