You smell like stripper and shame
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
