You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
