The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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