I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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