wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dick very happy bro
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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