Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
