I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
