I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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