Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
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If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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