Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
