Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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