Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
