Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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