The maid of honor just puked.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
