24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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