these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
