so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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