We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Randomize
