i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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