Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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