just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
