i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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