Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
