I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
