Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
