Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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