i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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