someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
