Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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