Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
