someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
