I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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