Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
