Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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