Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We are two peas in an std pod
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
