Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
