Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
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sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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