I forgot how hot balto sounded
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
