I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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