I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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