you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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