Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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