Umm I'm too high to move.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Girls should come with a carfax report
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
