I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
