did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
