I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
