We named our party play list daddy issues
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
