i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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