you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
