you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize