I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize