he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
